Freedom

I have just finished a splendid two hours of play time at the local YMCA. What joy it was to abandon myself to the simple games I played in the company of friends old and brand new. The highlight of the whole trip was when we all went to the pool!

Initially, I restricted myself to the lap side of the pool. However, I noticed how I looked, longingly, over to the two slides and the kiddie pool with the big tall mushroom that shoots out water. I thought to myself, "Tim, your grown up now, no time to go play over there anymore." How disgusting and revolting that thought was! I LOVE the kiddie pool and I LOVE that I had to put duck tape around my shorts just to keep them up. God, that's who I am. I love forgetting about all those ridiculous rules we've put on ourselves the older we get. I love to dance and splash in the water. Hallelujah! What simple joy! I love spending time with kids because they do this so well that it allows me to do it a little bit easier.

I've been going over and over in my head why in the world I drove out to Virginia. What reason other than to run away from my problems. This year has been amazing and horrible and everything in between. I feel like the reason is finally coming. God is just saying, "Be yourself." I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out what's wrong with me. That's the problem! Spending to much time staying so low and down looking at all my ugliness, how can I feel good about anything? The moment I stop that, look up and try to see the beauty in other people, I start to see my own beauty. I realize how God has so wonderfully created me, just as I am.

I think we all have some sort of image that we like to project or present to ourselves and everyone else. When I try to control myself like that I suffocate. I've tried to be so serious, lately, and try to appear so grown up. Its been very hard and just as unpleasant that I just can't do it anymore. I am already who I am and the more I can be comfortable with that, love it and show it to other people the happier I will be and become. The thing that's so silly is that this message is everywhere! Its in my favorite Disney movie, Aladdin, when the genie turns into the bee and says, "Beeeeee yourself." or how about the cheesy Leann Womack song, I Hope You Dance, that song is just plastered with that message to let go and follow your heart. My supervisors tell me to be myself all the time. I feel like I get it today. Love you lots and I hope this made some sense.