Under the Cover of Night

Its 5am, some start their days at about this time, but I'm just getting to the meat of mine. Those who have worked nights, know that the graveyard shift introduces a new world: traffic is predictable, stop lights blink instead of cycling through their colors, parking spots are great, and there aren't any lines at Starbucks or Wal-Mart for that matter. In my short 5 month experience, I've found working nights can be an extremely lonely time or an opportunity to come face to face with yourself when, truly, nobody else is looking. (For those who don't know, I deliver meds. in a hospital and spend 5 hours of my shift working alone) Both options are scary to me and I should know, I've tried them.



When I actually decide to brave the harsh reality of who I am and what's inside, I see things I want to change and things I would like to see a lot more of. At those moments all I can do is take a breath and utter a "Lord, have mercy." knowing the difficulty of that task before me, praying for the courage to be able to change. However, there are times I give into the loneliness and despair of walking vacant hospital hallways by myself.

It can be a scary place, not the hospital, walking alone. Throughout all my doubts and confusions, I still hold on to the idea that "I" can do it. Not You Lord, but me. I can save myself. Not surprisingly, I find my deepest despair in these moments. Its baffling how I can get stuck there too. Its almost as if I start to find a certain comfort in that loneliness and self-pity, which frightfully almost seems a familiar place to me.

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle" -Philo of Alexandria

This quote probably seems out of place so far in this blog, but I don't think so. Yes, we are all fighting a great battle and it is important to keep that in mind during our daily interactions with other people. What I also see is that I am not alone in my great battle. Whether I see it plainly in Christ or simply in the light of my friends eyes as I see Christ through them, I know that there is hope. Hope for me.

Life is hard.

Side Note and distantly related to the topic at hand:

For those who were there, I love reflecting on and laughing at the story Deacon Joseph told us about his Prof. in seminary. (badly quoted) In reference to substance abuse recovery: "12 steps?! What 12 steps? There are only 2 steps; with God or without." We always have a choice.