Last week was tough. It was a week of me doing the right things for the wrong reasons. After my kids had been put under to much pressure, they vented their frustrations with myself and the other staff. I became so angry at the thought that they could honestly say some of the things they were saying. I hate how prideful I can get. I was so sure I had been doing everything right that when the kids, my sole purpose for being there, told me somethings they were frustrated with I got defensive and hard. I didn't even listen to what they said.
My heart harden, I voiced my frustrations at hearing what they were saying and how it was so difficult because they obviously didn't see what I was trying to do with them. I was trying to make them better. I was trying to make them change, but I became to firm and rigid, and without the warmth they need to feel. I became like a relentless machine pushing for very important moral standards like, honesty, being sensitive to others, making other people important and being humble. God, I screwed humble up pretty bad. I surely wasn't loving them like I should have. After realizing that, I simply felt like a failure. I was being so self-centered about the whole ordeal, I couldn't see the practical reasons for the kids to be able to honest with us staff. With the holidays coming up, its not safe to have hidden feelings when the kids start going home for longer home visits. Allowing the kids to speak freely lets them me hear some criticisms, which are poored on them so abundantly.
I became a militant leader over the past few weeks. I was never satisfied with their efforts. I demanded perfection. I thought I was doing the right thing and to some extent I was, but I know I was distant with my kids and that I wasn't loving them like I should. I could make all the excuses and justifications in the world, but I just lost sight of what was important. So now I'm scared. I'm scared how this next week is going to go. I'm scared if I'm going to fall into the same trap, which I probably will, whether sooner or later. Please pray for me. I'm not worthy for the job I do. Pray for me to keep facing myself and to face the dark places of my soul despite fear, to make the choice to love despite my feelings, to be aware of God's presence at all times.
I miss home.
C.T.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Seasonal Baking continues!
Apple Coffee Cake with Crumble Topping and Brown Sugar Glaze
I decided to up the ante just a little bit this week and take advantage of the apples that are in season. I love coffee cake and today's recipe was a pleasant surprise when I found it on foodnetwork.com.
So here are the ingredients:
Cake:
1 stick plus 2 teaspoons unsalted butter
1 1/2 cups packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs
2 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup sour cream
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 cups peeled, cored and chopped apples
Whoo! Three different things to prepare, I started feeling the pressure when I read through the recipe and it told me I would be "folding the apples into the batter." How in the world do you fold an apple? Apparently, its a way of mixing the apples into the batter and not something you do to the apple, itself. I had to ask what it was and I was glad I did. Otherwise, I probably would have had apple chunks in the shapes of paper cranes and airplanes in my batter.
I encountered crises within the first ten minutes of preparation when I sliced my hand with the knife, skinning the apples. OUCH!
Despite the pain, I decided to press on and ended up putting my coffee cake batter in the oven shortly after. After waiting 45 minutes, this is what came out:
There's a little bit of my blood there on the left, but nothing major. I loved the cake overall and want to eat it all. As you can see, my food critic really liked it too.
I love baking. Deserts are yummy and this one is my favorite so far. I'd give it a 4 out of six. It would have been a 5, but since I added a bit of myself, literally to this recipe, I had to mark off.
I decided to up the ante just a little bit this week and take advantage of the apples that are in season. I love coffee cake and today's recipe was a pleasant surprise when I found it on foodnetwork.com.
So here are the ingredients:
Cake:
1 stick plus 2 teaspoons unsalted butter
1 1/2 cups packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs
2 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup sour cream
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 cups peeled, cored and chopped apples
Crumble Topping:
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
Brown Sugar Glaze:
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons water
Whoo! Three different things to prepare, I started feeling the pressure when I read through the recipe and it told me I would be "folding the apples into the batter." How in the world do you fold an apple? Apparently, its a way of mixing the apples into the batter and not something you do to the apple, itself. I had to ask what it was and I was glad I did. Otherwise, I probably would have had apple chunks in the shapes of paper cranes and airplanes in my batter.
I encountered crises within the first ten minutes of preparation when I sliced my hand with the knife, skinning the apples. OUCH!
Despite the pain, I decided to press on and ended up putting my coffee cake batter in the oven shortly after. After waiting 45 minutes, this is what came out:
There's a little bit of my blood there on the left, but nothing major. I loved the cake overall and want to eat it all. As you can see, my food critic really liked it too.
I love baking. Deserts are yummy and this one is my favorite so far. I'd give it a 4 out of six. It would have been a 5, but since I added a bit of myself, literally to this recipe, I had to mark off.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
A bit of seasonal baking...
So, finally, I decide to try to bake something, Pumpkin Loaf. Apparently its an "easy" recipe, according to Kraft. Easy is such a relative word. In my mind, this pumpkin loaf was going to be like making grilled cheese. Let's compare:
Grilled Cheese Ingredients:
2 pieces of bread
1 tbsp. of butter
1 piece of cheese
Pumpkin Loaf:
Now, maybe its just me, but this pumpkin loaf looks a crap ton harder than grilled cheese. Needless to say it was. In all actuality, the hardest part of this recipe was waiting an hour and five minutes while it was in the stove. In my impatience, I think I took it out to early. Here's what it looked like:
I was pretty impressed when I took it out of the oven. After waiting 10 minutes for it to cool, I opened it up and saw that it was still a little moist. The cream cheese filling wasn't as good as I thought it'd be. I went back to the web page and saw that some of the reviews of the recipe gave alternate cream cheese filling recipes, but oh well, maybe next time. Overall the loaf was all right. I'm more happy that I did it. Maybe I'll try again without the cream cheese and put chocolate chips in their instead, we'll see. I give it an oustanding 3 out of 6 or a 2.5 out of 5 if you prefer.
Ok, ok I just had a little more of the loaf since it is thoroughly cooled now and it is delicious! mmmmmm. 5 out of 6
C.T.
Grilled Cheese Ingredients:
2 pieces of bread
1 tbsp. of butter
1 piece of cheese
Pumpkin Loaf:
| 1 cup canned pumpkin |
| 1 cup plus 2 Tbsp. granulated sugar, divided |
| 1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar |
| 4 egg whites, divided |
| 1/2 cup fat-free milk |
| 1/4 cup canola oil |
| 2 cups flour |
| 2-1/2 tsp. CALUMET Baking Powder |
| 2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice |
| 1/4 tsp. salt |
| 1 pkg. (8 oz.) PHILADELPHIA Neufchatel Cheese, 1/3 Less Fat than Cream Cheese, softened |
| |
Now, maybe its just me, but this pumpkin loaf looks a crap ton harder than grilled cheese. Needless to say it was. In all actuality, the hardest part of this recipe was waiting an hour and five minutes while it was in the stove. In my impatience, I think I took it out to early. Here's what it looked like:
I was pretty impressed when I took it out of the oven. After waiting 10 minutes for it to cool, I opened it up and saw that it was still a little moist. The cream cheese filling wasn't as good as I thought it'd be. I went back to the web page and saw that some of the reviews of the recipe gave alternate cream cheese filling recipes, but oh well, maybe next time. Overall the loaf was all right. I'm more happy that I did it. Maybe I'll try again without the cream cheese and put chocolate chips in their instead, we'll see. I give it an oustanding 3 out of 6 or a 2.5 out of 5 if you prefer.
Ok, ok I just had a little more of the loaf since it is thoroughly cooled now and it is delicious! mmmmmm. 5 out of 6
C.T.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Life's tough, but God is good.
I had a tough week this week. One of those weeks where you're not sure if anything good is really happening. Apparently there was a lot of good going on. Though I struggled and struggled to get through my days, my kids were opening up in new ways. They were bearing their hearts to one another and to me. God was using me even though I felt otherwise. I did end up feeling really good at the end of the week and want to share with you one story that really helped me more than I suspect I know.
Side Note: This is the condensed version of the story and I probably got most of the conversation wrong, but I wanted to give the impression or feeling of what went on. So add some dramatic pauses in there somewhere and some better writing to. Just use your imagination to flesh this story out a bit.
We'll call him Mike.
I called a group meeting recently because Mike had been caught making fun of some overweight people during a night out to the movies. In the group meeting I told Mike how frustrated it made me that he, someone who was in the hospital for five months because of the severity of his eating disorders, would do that to someone. Mike took a moment to think and flat out lied to me and the whole group. I don't even remember what he said specifically, but haflway through is monologue I said, "Mike, stop, do you want to try again?" Mike told me he did and took a minute to gather himself. He confessed about calling and laughing at the people he labeled as overweight, but he told me he didn't know why he did it. I put him on time out.
To jump ahead a little bit, Mike and I ended up on a work project retrenching some trails. For those who don't know, we have trenches on the sides of our trails to help maintain them by controlling the water flow on them. We fill the trenches with large rocks, so the process of retrenching involves taking the rocks out, running a maddock through the trench, raking the dirt out and then putting the rocks back in. That's not to tough of a work project, but for Mike, who's body was severly weakened by his anorexic and bulimic behaviors, it would be enough.
Mike didn't like to work hard...at all. So, I made sure to push him. His hands were smooth and soft from a life of comforts and luxury, probably more like a life of laziness and selfishness is a bit more accurate. As expected, he was are a little frustrated at his current position. This is how things went from there:
"Mike, you look frustrated."
"I am really frustrated, Mr. Barnes."
"Ok, what's got you worked up?"
"I'm mad at my situation and that I'm on time out."
"You know, I bet that's true, but I don't think you're being completely honest."
Here Mike started to act pretty frustrated, and when I say act I mean act like a thespian. Please add some of that filler into the story I was talking about earlier in the side note.
"I'm real mad, Mr. Barnes. I'm so made I'm at this school and I want to be back home."
I was almost convinced at this point. Mike is a sensitive guy and cries fairly easy. He can make you feel sorry for him just by his small little voice and small size in general. This is probably the scariest point of my job. Do I push him for more? Is there more? Perhaps its just another lie? Is he being genuine with me?........oh crap, ok God, you're in control now, take over.
I took a second to listen to myself and how I felt. My heart said to go on push him. I made my decision.
"Come on Mike! You can do better than that. You know that's not honest! What is honest with you?!"
Mike is looking bewildered.
In a fit of rage, Mike replies, "YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!!!!"
Yes!!!!!! Whoohoo! I got him! He decided to make that leap with me. He's going to risk. He's going to give this relationship a chance! He's going to trust me! He wants to! Thank God!
Its really hard for not to just start smiling then because I know, for the most, part we've reached the climax and are beginning the decent of the emotional roller coaster that Mike just went on. I know he's starting to feel safe and that he can try things he decided are to hurtful and damaging. So I sequester my joy for the moment and get back into situation.
"Understand what, Mike?"
"You just wouldn't."
"Mike, I'm not interested in playing games right now."
This is the thespian part of Mike coming out. He was just being dramatic.
Mike starts getting a bit upset and starts working hard trying not to think about whatever it was that we uncovered in himself. For his safety and so we could have a conversation, I had Mike sit down beside me.
"What's got you all worked up, Mike?"
Through a deep sorrow and through anger that has been burning for the past ten years Mike tells me his story. His horrible story. Growing up, Mike's mom was a prostitute. She spent her nights working under an abusive pimp who took his liking to beating not only his mom, but Mike as well. At the age of five, Mike finds out the only reason he was born was because his mom was raped and that rape turned into a pregnancy. At age six, Mike was back and forth between his mom's and foster care. Soon after, his mom contracted HIV/AIDS and died. His foster family decided to take in Mike. Mike who was broken and abused, neglected and forgotten. Poor Mike.
Thank You God for Mike. God thank You so much for Mike. Thank you for allowing me, who is so unworthy of such a gift, to go where Mike has taken nobody in his life. Thank You for allowing me to see the one thing Mike has hidden from everybody, his brokenness.
After offering him some comfort and some reassurance that I was here to work with him and support him, to go with him in his loneliest hour to face those demons who have gripped so tightly to his small neglected heart, I told him of my expectations of him in the group and reminded him of the seriousness of his lying to the group. Afterwards, we stood and hugged.
"God, You bless this angel of yours. " I thought to myself.
As we walked back to the group I praised Mike for how great he did and how proud of him I was. I would have kept praising him, but he understood how I felt and that was the most important part. He was starting to trust. Wow!
"Mike, I feel so much better now."
"Me too, Mr. Barnes. I feel like fifty pounds has just been lifted off my shoulders."
I'm reminded of Archbishop Job telling me that you'll feel as though a burden has been lifted when you're doing God's Will. Amen, and thank you for those words, Vladika.
That is why I do my job. I was elated after that problem with Mike. I made contact, as we say at the Discovery School.
Side Note: This is the condensed version of the story and I probably got most of the conversation wrong, but I wanted to give the impression or feeling of what went on. So add some dramatic pauses in there somewhere and some better writing to. Just use your imagination to flesh this story out a bit.
We'll call him Mike.
I called a group meeting recently because Mike had been caught making fun of some overweight people during a night out to the movies. In the group meeting I told Mike how frustrated it made me that he, someone who was in the hospital for five months because of the severity of his eating disorders, would do that to someone. Mike took a moment to think and flat out lied to me and the whole group. I don't even remember what he said specifically, but haflway through is monologue I said, "Mike, stop, do you want to try again?" Mike told me he did and took a minute to gather himself. He confessed about calling and laughing at the people he labeled as overweight, but he told me he didn't know why he did it. I put him on time out.
To jump ahead a little bit, Mike and I ended up on a work project retrenching some trails. For those who don't know, we have trenches on the sides of our trails to help maintain them by controlling the water flow on them. We fill the trenches with large rocks, so the process of retrenching involves taking the rocks out, running a maddock through the trench, raking the dirt out and then putting the rocks back in. That's not to tough of a work project, but for Mike, who's body was severly weakened by his anorexic and bulimic behaviors, it would be enough.
Mike didn't like to work hard...at all. So, I made sure to push him. His hands were smooth and soft from a life of comforts and luxury, probably more like a life of laziness and selfishness is a bit more accurate. As expected, he was are a little frustrated at his current position. This is how things went from there:
"Mike, you look frustrated."
"I am really frustrated, Mr. Barnes."
"Ok, what's got you worked up?"
"I'm mad at my situation and that I'm on time out."
"You know, I bet that's true, but I don't think you're being completely honest."
Here Mike started to act pretty frustrated, and when I say act I mean act like a thespian. Please add some of that filler into the story I was talking about earlier in the side note.
"I'm real mad, Mr. Barnes. I'm so made I'm at this school and I want to be back home."
I was almost convinced at this point. Mike is a sensitive guy and cries fairly easy. He can make you feel sorry for him just by his small little voice and small size in general. This is probably the scariest point of my job. Do I push him for more? Is there more? Perhaps its just another lie? Is he being genuine with me?........oh crap, ok God, you're in control now, take over.
I took a second to listen to myself and how I felt. My heart said to go on push him. I made my decision.
"Come on Mike! You can do better than that. You know that's not honest! What is honest with you?!"
Mike is looking bewildered.
In a fit of rage, Mike replies, "YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!!!!"
Yes!!!!!! Whoohoo! I got him! He decided to make that leap with me. He's going to risk. He's going to give this relationship a chance! He's going to trust me! He wants to! Thank God!
Its really hard for not to just start smiling then because I know, for the most, part we've reached the climax and are beginning the decent of the emotional roller coaster that Mike just went on. I know he's starting to feel safe and that he can try things he decided are to hurtful and damaging. So I sequester my joy for the moment and get back into situation.
"Understand what, Mike?"
"You just wouldn't."
"Mike, I'm not interested in playing games right now."
This is the thespian part of Mike coming out. He was just being dramatic.
Mike starts getting a bit upset and starts working hard trying not to think about whatever it was that we uncovered in himself. For his safety and so we could have a conversation, I had Mike sit down beside me.
"What's got you all worked up, Mike?"
Through a deep sorrow and through anger that has been burning for the past ten years Mike tells me his story. His horrible story. Growing up, Mike's mom was a prostitute. She spent her nights working under an abusive pimp who took his liking to beating not only his mom, but Mike as well. At the age of five, Mike finds out the only reason he was born was because his mom was raped and that rape turned into a pregnancy. At age six, Mike was back and forth between his mom's and foster care. Soon after, his mom contracted HIV/AIDS and died. His foster family decided to take in Mike. Mike who was broken and abused, neglected and forgotten. Poor Mike.
Thank You God for Mike. God thank You so much for Mike. Thank you for allowing me, who is so unworthy of such a gift, to go where Mike has taken nobody in his life. Thank You for allowing me to see the one thing Mike has hidden from everybody, his brokenness.
After offering him some comfort and some reassurance that I was here to work with him and support him, to go with him in his loneliest hour to face those demons who have gripped so tightly to his small neglected heart, I told him of my expectations of him in the group and reminded him of the seriousness of his lying to the group. Afterwards, we stood and hugged.
"God, You bless this angel of yours. " I thought to myself.
As we walked back to the group I praised Mike for how great he did and how proud of him I was. I would have kept praising him, but he understood how I felt and that was the most important part. He was starting to trust. Wow!
"Mike, I feel so much better now."
"Me too, Mr. Barnes. I feel like fifty pounds has just been lifted off my shoulders."
I'm reminded of Archbishop Job telling me that you'll feel as though a burden has been lifted when you're doing God's Will. Amen, and thank you for those words, Vladika.
That is why I do my job. I was elated after that problem with Mike. I made contact, as we say at the Discovery School.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
At The Back of The North Wind
This is a poem I wrote today after I finished ATBTNW. The only good part about this poem is that it is honest and it rhymes, which should be obvious seeing as I rhymed the first stanza with the same word twice. If you haven't read the book, you should. I now see why C.S. Lewis thought George McDonald was such a good writer.
At The Back of The North Wind:
I am selfish to depths unknown,
Having forgotten even family I’ve known,
Having not uttered a word nor utterance about them,
I’ve gone away and left them,
So now I will lift up prayers instead,
And pray their souls be kept while in bed,
I know I can’t do much for them here,
But You Lord can be far and also near,
So hold them tight within your arms,
Letting them only experience helpful harm,
I also ask that in the end,
They might lie with you,
At The Back of The North Wind.
I miss you all.
Friday, July 13, 2007
My new place and Hesha!
So, I have a room I stay in on the weekends that I rent. But, before that I want you to meet the puppy of the house, Hesha! She's so cute! She's half German Shepard and half Husky.
This next video is a quick tour of my house. Its surpisingly nice for only $150/month, let me know if you need a place to stay!
I hope that gives a good idea of what's going on in my life. Things are great here. Come out for a visit or a hike on the AT!
C.T.
This next video is a quick tour of my house. Its surpisingly nice for only $150/month, let me know if you need a place to stay!
I hope that gives a good idea of what's going on in my life. Things are great here. Come out for a visit or a hike on the AT!
C.T.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
A New Life
Discovery School is amazing.
Its that simple.
I spend my day building relationships with kids who don't know how to have good relationships. I am open and honest about how I feel about them. If they are making me uncomfortable, frustrated, or any undesirable emotion, I tell them. It is their job to make me feel better and explain why they make me feel this way. This may seem odd, but for kids who don't have any idea how to deal with their emotions and the way other people perceive them in a group setting, this is crucial.
To foster this relationship, we (myself, other group leader who I call Mr. Cashmoney, my supervisor, and my kids) live in a small village of buildings that we build completely and maintain. Imagine Lincoln logs, but at least 3 times bigger! (shout out to Zoolander)
We just finished completing the shelter I will be living in with three other young men. Its about 15ft. x 20ft. and very cozy with its slate rock flooring. This video gives a good survey of what a typical campsite looks like.
There's 14 of us all together, three staff and eleven young men. My sole purpose with the young men right now is to get a relationship with them. The best way to do this is to have some common experiences with them. More often than not, this means I spend a good bit of time on work projects with individual students. Work projects can involve digging out stumps (one of my personal favorites), wheel barreling 300lbs. of gravel at a time up and down hills a 1/4 mile each way, or sawing rounds for fire wood. This is not a comprehensive list, but it gives the basic idea. Through these work projects the students usually get triggered and begin to express some emotion, whether it be frustration from the work project, which is usually what happens, or some other emotion. It is my job then to investigate that emotion and use it to find the deeper issues with student (that's the tough part).
The usual population of students come from wealthy families with a few students from social services. More often than not, the school is an alternative to juvenile. Drugs play a big part in a lot of the students life, at least before they came here. Their home life is fairly unstable. In short, these are kids who, probably having a horrible upbringing, have made some truly bad decisions on their own part. I could list them, but that would be too long of a list.
I hope this gives a good idea what I'm doing with myself thus far. Its a difficult thing to put into words. I'm learning how to love in a different way, which is a bit scary, but proving to be well worth it. Its Sunday and that means I go back to work. Despite having made terrible decisions in their lives, these young men are amazing and have taught me so much about myself. Truly, God is Present.
I hope all is well back home!
C.T.
Its that simple.
I spend my day building relationships with kids who don't know how to have good relationships. I am open and honest about how I feel about them. If they are making me uncomfortable, frustrated, or any undesirable emotion, I tell them. It is their job to make me feel better and explain why they make me feel this way. This may seem odd, but for kids who don't have any idea how to deal with their emotions and the way other people perceive them in a group setting, this is crucial.
To foster this relationship, we (myself, other group leader who I call Mr. Cashmoney, my supervisor, and my kids) live in a small village of buildings that we build completely and maintain. Imagine Lincoln logs, but at least 3 times bigger! (shout out to Zoolander)
We just finished completing the shelter I will be living in with three other young men. Its about 15ft. x 20ft. and very cozy with its slate rock flooring. This video gives a good survey of what a typical campsite looks like.
There's 14 of us all together, three staff and eleven young men. My sole purpose with the young men right now is to get a relationship with them. The best way to do this is to have some common experiences with them. More often than not, this means I spend a good bit of time on work projects with individual students. Work projects can involve digging out stumps (one of my personal favorites), wheel barreling 300lbs. of gravel at a time up and down hills a 1/4 mile each way, or sawing rounds for fire wood. This is not a comprehensive list, but it gives the basic idea. Through these work projects the students usually get triggered and begin to express some emotion, whether it be frustration from the work project, which is usually what happens, or some other emotion. It is my job then to investigate that emotion and use it to find the deeper issues with student (that's the tough part).
The usual population of students come from wealthy families with a few students from social services. More often than not, the school is an alternative to juvenile. Drugs play a big part in a lot of the students life, at least before they came here. Their home life is fairly unstable. In short, these are kids who, probably having a horrible upbringing, have made some truly bad decisions on their own part. I could list them, but that would be too long of a list.
I hope this gives a good idea what I'm doing with myself thus far. Its a difficult thing to put into words. I'm learning how to love in a different way, which is a bit scary, but proving to be well worth it. Its Sunday and that means I go back to work. Despite having made terrible decisions in their lives, these young men are amazing and have taught me so much about myself. Truly, God is Present.
I hope all is well back home!
C.T.
Friday, June 15, 2007
My trip to Baginia...
So I decided to go ahead and record the important moments of my trip to Baginia. It was an amazing trip and I hope you enjoy the highlights. It looks like next week I'll start to blog about the camp, which is absolutely amazing.
Here's the link to my youtube stuff. http://www.youtube.com/Snowsuitwarm I was going to post them all on blog, but that was going to take way to long.
Enjoy!
Here's the link to my youtube stuff. http://www.youtube.com/Snowsuitwarm I was going to post them all on blog, but that was going to take way to long.
Enjoy!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Promise of Updates
ok friends, this is my grand promise of almost weekly updates of what's going on in my life. I've got some sweet videos to upload from my road trip to Baginia! I just watched them and they're pretty funny...I think so at least. After listening to the videos I realize I have a bit of a lisp. oopssss.
It'll take me a minute to figure out how to upload all this junk from youtube, but I'll get there.
Whooo hooo!
Goes Baginia Kangaroos!
C.T.
It'll take me a minute to figure out how to upload all this junk from youtube, but I'll get there.
Whooo hooo!
Goes Baginia Kangaroos!
C.T.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Under the Cover of Night
Its 5am, some start their days at about this time, but I'm just getting to the meat of mine. Those who have worked nights, know that the graveyard shift introduces a new world: traffic is predictable, stop lights blink instead of cycling through their colors, parking spots are great, and there aren't any lines at Starbucks or Wal-Mart for that matter. In my short 5 month experience, I've found working nights can be an extremely lonely time or an opportunity to come face to face with yourself when, truly, nobody else is looking. (For those who don't know, I deliver meds. in a hospital and spend 5 hours of my shift working alone) Both options are scary to me and I should know, I've tried them.
When I actually decide to brave the harsh reality of who I am and what's inside, I see things I want to change and things I would like to see a lot more of. At those moments all I can do is take a breath and utter a "Lord, have mercy." knowing the difficulty of that task before me, praying for the courage to be able to change. However, there are times I give into the loneliness and despair of walking vacant hospital hallways by myself.
When I actually decide to brave the harsh reality of who I am and what's inside, I see things I want to change and things I would like to see a lot more of. At those moments all I can do is take a breath and utter a "Lord, have mercy." knowing the difficulty of that task before me, praying for the courage to be able to change. However, there are times I give into the loneliness and despair of walking vacant hospital hallways by myself.
It can be a scary place, not the hospital, walking alone. Throughout all my doubts and confusions, I still hold on to the idea that "I" can do it. Not You Lord, but me. I can save myself. Not surprisingly, I find my deepest despair in these moments. Its baffling how I can get stuck there too. Its almost as if I start to find a certain comfort in that loneliness and self-pity, which frightfully almost seems a familiar place to me.
"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle" -Philo of Alexandria
This quote probably seems out of place so far in this blog, but I don't think so. Yes, we are all fighting a great battle and it is important to keep that in mind during our daily interactions with other people. What I also see is that I am not alone in my great battle. Whether I see it plainly in Christ or simply in the light of my friends eyes as I see Christ through them, I know that there is hope. Hope for me.
Life is hard.
Side Note and distantly related to the topic at hand:
For those who were there, I love reflecting on and laughing at the story Deacon Joseph told us about his Prof. in seminary. (badly quoted) In reference to substance abuse recovery: "12 steps?! What 12 steps? There are only 2 steps; with God or without." We always have a choice.
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