Last week was tough. It was a week of me doing the right things for the wrong reasons. After my kids had been put under to much pressure, they vented their frustrations with myself and the other staff. I became so angry at the thought that they could honestly say some of the things they were saying. I hate how prideful I can get. I was so sure I had been doing everything right that when the kids, my sole purpose for being there, told me somethings they were frustrated with I got defensive and hard. I didn't even listen to what they said.
My heart harden, I voiced my frustrations at hearing what they were saying and how it was so difficult because they obviously didn't see what I was trying to do with them. I was trying to make them better. I was trying to make them change, but I became to firm and rigid, and without the warmth they need to feel. I became like a relentless machine pushing for very important moral standards like, honesty, being sensitive to others, making other people important and being humble. God, I screwed humble up pretty bad. I surely wasn't loving them like I should have. After realizing that, I simply felt like a failure. I was being so self-centered about the whole ordeal, I couldn't see the practical reasons for the kids to be able to honest with us staff. With the holidays coming up, its not safe to have hidden feelings when the kids start going home for longer home visits. Allowing the kids to speak freely lets them me hear some criticisms, which are poored on them so abundantly.
I became a militant leader over the past few weeks. I was never satisfied with their efforts. I demanded perfection. I thought I was doing the right thing and to some extent I was, but I know I was distant with my kids and that I wasn't loving them like I should. I could make all the excuses and justifications in the world, but I just lost sight of what was important. So now I'm scared. I'm scared how this next week is going to go. I'm scared if I'm going to fall into the same trap, which I probably will, whether sooner or later. Please pray for me. I'm not worthy for the job I do. Pray for me to keep facing myself and to face the dark places of my soul despite fear, to make the choice to love despite my feelings, to be aware of God's presence at all times.
I miss home.
C.T.
5 comments:
I think you should keep in mind that many kids are not used to being pushed because no one cared enough to push them. It is not wrong to expect so much from them. It's because you care. I don't believe you lost sight of what is important, I believe it is what was driving you all along. Don't lose hope and don't stop caring, Chief!
God be with you, Tim.
And He is always with you, especially when you feel like crap.
We miss you here, but hopefully we'll get to see you soon for the holidays.
You're in our prayers.
I'm sure you'll do fine with the help and grace of God. You're doing an amazing thing - you're living life and having relationships as they were meant to be. The rest is just the by-product of our fallen nature.
Pursuing the good and right things in ourselves and others often brings about hard times and ultimately that's why it is difficult to stay on the straight and narrow path. Most people don't want to do what you and the kids are doing. Ignorance is bliss.
Think of it as if you've been asleep - blissfully asleep - and your time there is all about waking up and helping others do the same. Most people don't like to be woken up and have the security blanket taken off of them. I sure don't! But it's far better than the alternative; reality always trumps the fantasy.
You're waking up and that's a good thing. AND you're rousing others and that's even better and where the real joy lies. Keep your wits about you and keep God always before you, and know that we miss you at home too and we're always praying for you.
Love ya!
~LS
I hope you haven't forgotten how loving you really are. It doesn't matter if you feel it or not, you love these kids. You wouldn't be there if you didn't. You are doing for them what others didn't do for you. They don't see it now, and they can't because they've got too much in the way, but later, they'll realize and know how important you were in their lives. I know you've changed from the goofy guy you used to be, and that's for the better, I'm sure. But maybe you could infuse a little joy into the kids as well as honesty and integrity. You're a master of them all, whether you think so or not, and the military tactics just aren't working apparently. Forcing yourself to physically show some joy might get you a little further. You have to be strong, and firm can sometimes mean grim, but even those who are strong smile. Keep your chin up, Brother. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." You know that... Effin love you, dude.
So, how did last week go?
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