Going Home

If there’s anyone who is a mystery, it is definitely God. He is the absolute best at blind siding me even when I’m at my best.

I have been anticipating today, 1-30-09, for months. On this day, I get to reunite my first family, three daughters and a father. The day started off so well with me making a trip to the foster mom’s to pick up all of the daughters’ stuff, which was a ton. I delivered it back to their father’s house where they would finally move back to after being in and out of foster care for the last few years. I felt honored to be the one to drive home that evening as well. Once I moved their stuff back home, I went on about my day meeting with other clients and working with them. Well, the time finally came when I would be driving back to Indianapolis to transport these three wonderful girls ages 16,10 and 5. As. Soon as I reach Indianapolis CRASH! I rear-end the lady in front of me who stopped suddenly because a semi had cut her off. Thankfully I was only going like fifteen miles an hour and did no damage to her vehicle. My hood is all jacked up and my grill is broken, but nothing major. Needless to say, that wreck brought me pretty low. I was pretty frustrated, mainly about the money side of it, because I just spent $500 on tires and exhaust stuff due to the weather just the day before and now I had this to pay for. My car still ran just fine, so I went on my way to the foster parents home to pick up the girls. At least, this part of my day would go well. I picked up the girls, who were happy to see me and excited about moving home. I started to feel just a tad better, but I was still pretty mad trying to figure what God was trying to teach me after all this crap with my car had happened this week.

My slightly improved mood was crushed during the beginning of the car ride when the youngest decided to have a tantrum and wine and pretty much just be a 5yr old thereby triggering the other girls to yell at the youngest for making so much trouble. During our previous car rides to see their dad, these girls were awesome behavior wise and were funny and just good to be around, why of all days when they’re going home and after I’ve wrecked my car do they want to start acting out?! (poor me right?) So I’m at McDonald’s with them because I was real hungry and wanted some French fries. Well, I got everybody French fries, but the youngest wanted freakin’ ice cream. Seriously?! I said your options are French fries, that’s it. So she cried some more. They’re dad was making dinner and I didn’t want to spoil their appetite by getting them a whole meal.

At that point, I was done and ready for the day to be over. I was just planning on chalking it up as a loss, but then my mom calls. She finally received my letter from the Wayne Township Fire Dept. stating that I have passed my written exam and will proceed to the next portion of the hiring process, the structured oral interview. Now, its been my little secret until just recently that I was applying to be a firefighter. Mainly because I know how difficult it is to get hired and knew that it probably wouldn’t happen, so I expected to receive a letter that said thanks for taking the written test, but we will not need you blah blah blah. Hearing that I made it to the next stage was like a shot of adrenaline to my heart, I was hootin’ and hollarin’ in the car and the three girls, well actually the two that were crying got real excited for me and life seemed to be a little better. I still didn’t understand why all this car trouble happened that made me so mad had happened, but at least I’m still in the running to be a firefighter.

Well, we start again on the interstate towards the father’s home and the youngest is now pouting because I didn’t get her ice cream and now everybody, but her was enjoying their delish French fries. She finally decided she wanted her drink, but I told her she needs to apologize before we even consider giving her anything, so she sat quietly and tried to have a contest. Sure enough, ten minutes later she comes around with the most beautiful apology ever, “Excuse me Timosee (she’s got a little lisp, cutest thing ever), I’m really sorry.” I forgave her and thanked her for the apology and gave her the drink. My wall started to come down and I wasn’t so mad.

We continue driving and the youngest says to me from the back seat, “Look Timosee! Do you see the half Moon?” I say, “Yeah I do! Do you see the star below it?” She says,”Yesss, That’s my nana.”

Here we go I thought, this kid is tearing me apart now. She named a star after her grandma who had passed away. How absolutely beautiful and not only that she told me she had named a star after me that morning before school. “Ok, God, I’m awake I’m listening.” I thought. Thank God it was dark because I started having tears run down my face.

Finally we arrive at their father’s. He opens the door from his apartment up the stairs with a blow horn sounding and streamers. I knew today was his birthday, but he told me the party was going to be for them, his beautiful daughters because they were the perfect birthday gift. It was all I could do not to start sobbing uncontrollably in front of them when I saw the intense love shared after they reunited as a family. God is so good and he knew I was going to miss it. Thank you Lord for preparing my heart this week. Thank you for the ruined tires and the broken exhaust for the forty minutes of pushing my car through the snow with the Wilson boys and for my car wreck today. Thank you for waking me up to see, hear and feel Your love in the form of this family. I was not ready, not ready at all.

As I drove away, seeing that all things were taken care of and settled, I silently cried softly, but realized the flood gates were soon to open. It so wonderful to be so vulnerable to God on the drive home. God loves me this much too, He has the feast already prepared and He awaits at the door for my arrival, for when I come home. I love you God and I’m not very good at it., but I love coming home and I want to do it more often. Heal me, Lord, and have mercy. Amen.

Freedom

I have just finished a splendid two hours of play time at the local YMCA. What joy it was to abandon myself to the simple games I played in the company of friends old and brand new. The highlight of the whole trip was when we all went to the pool!

Initially, I restricted myself to the lap side of the pool. However, I noticed how I looked, longingly, over to the two slides and the kiddie pool with the big tall mushroom that shoots out water. I thought to myself, "Tim, your grown up now, no time to go play over there anymore." How disgusting and revolting that thought was! I LOVE the kiddie pool and I LOVE that I had to put duck tape around my shorts just to keep them up. God, that's who I am. I love forgetting about all those ridiculous rules we've put on ourselves the older we get. I love to dance and splash in the water. Hallelujah! What simple joy! I love spending time with kids because they do this so well that it allows me to do it a little bit easier.

I've been going over and over in my head why in the world I drove out to Virginia. What reason other than to run away from my problems. This year has been amazing and horrible and everything in between. I feel like the reason is finally coming. God is just saying, "Be yourself." I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out what's wrong with me. That's the problem! Spending to much time staying so low and down looking at all my ugliness, how can I feel good about anything? The moment I stop that, look up and try to see the beauty in other people, I start to see my own beauty. I realize how God has so wonderfully created me, just as I am.

I think we all have some sort of image that we like to project or present to ourselves and everyone else. When I try to control myself like that I suffocate. I've tried to be so serious, lately, and try to appear so grown up. Its been very hard and just as unpleasant that I just can't do it anymore. I am already who I am and the more I can be comfortable with that, love it and show it to other people the happier I will be and become. The thing that's so silly is that this message is everywhere! Its in my favorite Disney movie, Aladdin, when the genie turns into the bee and says, "Beeeeee yourself." or how about the cheesy Leann Womack song, I Hope You Dance, that song is just plastered with that message to let go and follow your heart. My supervisors tell me to be myself all the time. I feel like I get it today. Love you lots and I hope this made some sense.

Progress Progess

So far, I've finished my first set of highlights on my icon. Its really starting to look like something. Hopefully, I'll be done by Pascha! There's a lot going on here in VA. I really don't know where to start. I'll try to give an update next weekend.

First Float:















First Highlight:

Icons!

So my dear Father Mafodii has offered to teach me to write Icons. I've been working on one for about a weekend a month over the past few months. Its been tough and I'm learning a lot, which I should probably blog about. What I want to show is my progress lately. I'm pretty excited about it! I wish I had the picture up from before I put the gold leaf on so you could see what the clay underneath the gold looks like.

I have finally advanced to step 2 of icon making! Of course, there's 21 steps and I've already spent over 20 hours on my icon. Its been well worth it. Please ask any questions you might have. I'm sure I'll have a really bad answer for them that will only confuse you more.

C.T.

Last week was tough. It was a week of me doing the right things for the wrong reasons. After my kids had been put under to much pressure, they vented their frustrations with myself and the other staff. I became so angry at the thought that they could honestly say some of the things they were saying. I hate how prideful I can get. I was so sure I had been doing everything right that when the kids, my sole purpose for being there, told me somethings they were frustrated with I got defensive and hard. I didn't even listen to what they said.

My heart harden, I voiced my frustrations at hearing what they were saying and how it was so difficult because they obviously didn't see what I was trying to do with them. I was trying to make them better. I was trying to make them change, but I became to firm and rigid, and without the warmth they need to feel. I became like a relentless machine pushing for very important moral standards like, honesty, being sensitive to others, making other people important and being humble. God, I screwed humble up pretty bad. I surely wasn't loving them like I should have. After realizing that, I simply felt like a failure. I was being so self-centered about the whole ordeal, I couldn't see the practical reasons for the kids to be able to honest with us staff. With the holidays coming up, its not safe to have hidden feelings when the kids start going home for longer home visits. Allowing the kids to speak freely lets them me hear some criticisms, which are poored on them so abundantly.

I became a militant leader over the past few weeks. I was never satisfied with their efforts. I demanded perfection. I thought I was doing the right thing and to some extent I was, but I know I was distant with my kids and that I wasn't loving them like I should. I could make all the excuses and justifications in the world, but I just lost sight of what was important. So now I'm scared. I'm scared how this next week is going to go. I'm scared if I'm going to fall into the same trap, which I probably will, whether sooner or later. Please pray for me. I'm not worthy for the job I do. Pray for me to keep facing myself and to face the dark places of my soul despite fear, to make the choice to love despite my feelings, to be aware of God's presence at all times.

I miss home.

C.T.

Seasonal Baking continues!

Apple Coffee Cake with Crumble Topping and Brown Sugar Glaze

I decided to up the ante just a little bit this week and take advantage of the apples that are in season. I love coffee cake and today's recipe was a pleasant surprise when I found it on foodnetwork.com.
So here are the ingredients:

Cake:
1 stick plus 2 teaspoons unsalted butter
1 1/2 cups packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs
2 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup sour cream
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 cups peeled, cored and chopped apples

Crumble Topping:
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened

Brown Sugar Glaze:
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons water

Whoo! Three different things to prepare, I started feeling the pressure when I read through the recipe and it told me I would be "folding the apples into the batter." How in the world do you fold an apple? Apparently, its a way of mixing the apples into the batter and not something you do to the apple, itself. I had to ask what it was and I was glad I did. Otherwise, I probably would have had apple chunks in the shapes of paper cranes and airplanes in my batter.

I encountered crises within the first ten minutes of preparation when I sliced my hand with the knife, skinning the apples. OUCH!

Despite the pain, I decided to press on and ended up putting my coffee cake batter in the oven shortly after. After waiting 45 minutes, this is what came out:

There's a little bit of my blood there on the left, but nothing major. I loved the cake overall and want to eat it all. As you can see, my food critic really liked it too.
I love baking. Deserts are yummy and this one is my favorite so far. I'd give it a 4 out of six. It would have been a 5, but since I added a bit of myself, literally to this recipe, I had to mark off.

A bit of seasonal baking...

So, finally, I decide to try to bake something, Pumpkin Loaf. Apparently its an "easy" recipe, according to Kraft. Easy is such a relative word. In my mind, this pumpkin loaf was going to be like making grilled cheese. Let's compare:
Grilled Cheese Ingredients:

2 pieces of bread
1 tbsp. of butter
1 piece of cheese

Pumpkin Loaf:

1 cup canned pumpkin

1 cup plus 2 Tbsp. granulated sugar, divided

1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar

4 egg whites, divided

1/2 cup fat-free milk

1/4 cup canola oil

2 cups flour

2-1/2 tsp. CALUMET Baking Powder

2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice

1/4 tsp. salt

1 pkg. (8 oz.) PHILADELPHIA Neufchatel Cheese, 1/3 Less Fat than Cream Cheese, softened

Now, maybe its just me, but this pumpkin loaf looks a crap ton harder than grilled cheese. Needless to say it was. In all actuality, the hardest part of this recipe was waiting an hour and five minutes while it was in the stove. In my impatience, I think I took it out to early. Here's what it looked like:



I was pretty impressed when I took it out of the oven. After waiting 10 minutes for it to cool, I opened it up and saw that it was still a little moist. The cream cheese filling wasn't as good as I thought it'd be. I went back to the web page and saw that some of the reviews of the recipe gave alternate cream cheese filling recipes, but oh well, maybe next time. Overall the loaf was all right. I'm more happy that I did it. Maybe I'll try again without the cream cheese and put chocolate chips in their instead, we'll see. I give it an oustanding 3 out of 6 or a 2.5 out of 5 if you prefer.

Ok, ok I just had a little more of the loaf since it is thoroughly cooled now and it is delicious! mmmmmm. 5 out of 6

C.T.